Single Parents Association®

Single Parenting is KID's Stuff!

SINGLE PARENTING & HANDLING STRESS

When life deals us some unexpected challenges (OK ,I'm being kind here), or lessons to learn, or just dumps on us (depends on your state of mind, I guess), the real issue is not the situation or event but HOW WE HANDLE IT. Recently, this happened to me and to a lot of us. I have been very reflective and philosophical about this, because I think it is very important for us and our children to reflect, learn, seek feedback, decide on a course of action and move forward making changes/corrections, if necessary, in order to deal with life and all its changes.

We all have our lessons to learn, no matter who we are, where we came from, how many children we have, what we do for a living, what our economic situation is or what our gender is. There are many theories as to why things happen from divine intervention and karmic connections to universal lessons and predestination. I'm not convinced any one of these or any other rationale is correct, but I do know "things happen." (Yes, I cleaned it up.) One thing is for sure, we are only here for a short time and it certainly is an adventure, so we might as well make it as positive as possible. With the alternative being misery, depression or worse, I think I'd rather try to deal with these issues from a positive, solution-oriented position.

I have talked with hundreds of people over the years about divorce and of one thing I am certain - nobody likes it when it happens. Most people try to find the best way to deal with it, and in the long run, (most times) it turns out to be a positive experience if we let it. My grandfather used to tell me, "We never know why things happen, but they happen for a reason." If we can just trust that it will be beneficial in the long run, I think many people would handle life differently.

Reflecting back on when I first became a single Dad and was going through my divorce in 1987, I thought I would not live through it. It was the worst thing that could have happened to me. Why was the universe doing this to me? What had I done in my life that was so bad, that I deserved this? (Sound familiar?) Today, looking back, I realize it was the greatest time in my life for personal development. I learned to be solely responsible for a child, truly taking responsibility for myself and growing as a person. My self-esteem was at its lowest and I just wanted to run away and hide. But, having a child to take care of made me realize, if I felt this way, how did my son feel? He had no options, no control, and was at the mercy of only one of his parents. He must have been really scared.

As I was saying, looking back, I can see how handling that situation helped to build my self-esteem. I learned I was a caring Dad, an ever-improving, time-management expert, a financial wizard (penny pincher & coupon clipper), and I had incredible energy. I also discovered that I could do anything I put my mind to.

So as life deals us more and more "opportunities to excel," I must confess it's time for me to reflect more on trusting myself and in the belief that I will grow and learn from these experiences and will be a better person because of it. I must remember one thing though - PATIENCE. That's a whole other discussion. For now, remember to examine these thoughts when life hands you a "disguised gift":

• Reflect on what is happening.
• Learn from it.
• Get feedback from your support network.
• Plan a course of action (act, don't react).
• Implement your plan.
• Make changes/corrections, if necessary.

My greatest hope is that Single Parents Association can provide you the resources, information, skills, friends, and maybe the hope and confidence to deal with what life has to offer. It really is a wonderful life, if we're willing to live it.

Remember, it's not the stress that matters, but more importantly, it's how we handle it that really counts and what skills we pass on to our kids.